My Immortal Mass Effect
by LadyAnarchy63
Summary: A parody of the infamous My Immortal story with Mass effect terminology.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1.

AN: Special tanks (get it, coz Im commanre) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) liara, Teh Shdow Brockur 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Ray Myzuka ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! BIOWARE ROX!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Hi my name is Commander Jane Shepard and I am a commander (that's how I got my name) with red hair and normal coloured tips that reaches my mid-back and normal coloured blue eyes that don't look like tears and a lot of people tell me I look like a video game character(AN: if u don't know what a video game is get da hell out of here!). I'm not related to the shepherd from the Bible but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a human but my teeth are straight and white because I am human. I have normal skin. I'm also saviour of the galaxy, and I own a ship called the Sr-2 Normandy in the milky way where I'm part of the Alliance fleet. I'm a Soldier (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly my armor. I love Omega Market and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a suit of armor that was completely black, with a red stripe down the left of the arm and N7 across the chestplate. I was walking inside the Normandy. It was in space so there was no sun on the inside, which I was very happy about. A lot of Cerberus operatives stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

"Hey Shepard!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Garrus Vakarian!

"What's up Garrus?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me tanks!

Chapter 2.

AN: Tanks 2 Teh Shdow Brockur 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW reapers stop flaming ma story ok!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It wasn't snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my Commander's Cabin and drank some liquor from a bottle I had. My cabin had a fish tank AND a space hamster :))). I got out of my cabin and took of my giant Bioware t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, Exactly what I wore yesterday.  
My friend, Dr T'soni (AN: Liara dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long blue hair tentacles and opened her eyes. She put on her white suit with blue lines and stuff on it.

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Garrus Vakarian yesterday!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Garrus?" she asked as we went out of the elevator room and into the Mess Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Garrus walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily.

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Naughty Dog's having an autograph on the citadel." he told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love Naughty Dog. They are my favorite company, besides Bioware.

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped.

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY REAPERZ OK! odderwize tanks 2 da soldierz ppl 4 da good reveiws! TANKZ AGEN LIARA! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Naughty Dog.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
On the night of the concert I wore EXACTLY WHAT I WORE THE DAYS B4. I felt a little bored then, so I got Kelly Chambers to feed my fish. I read the instruction manual to Mass Effect while I waited for Kelly to leave and I played some Mario Party. I drank some liquor so I was ready to go to the autograph session.

I went outside. Garrus was waiting there in front of his flying car (Painted in rooperz bludd). He was wearing silver turian armor with blue streaks and a visor. (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

"Hi Garrus!" I said in a renegade voice.

"Hi Shep." he said back. We walked into his flying black Space Car (the license plate said C4L1BR8IONZ) and flew to the Citadel. On the way we listened excitedly to MSI and the elevator music. We both smoked red sand. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stand and jumped up and down as we got our autographs from them.

"Andrew S. Gavin is so fucking hot." I said to Garrus, pointing to him as he signed stuff.

Suddenly Garrus looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Garrus sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Andrew and he's not as bad as E fucking A. I fucking hate that company." I said disgustedly, thinking of their early release of Battlefield 4.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Garrus. After the session, we drank some beer. Garrus and I crawled back into the

Space Car, but Garrus didn't go back into Normandy, instead he drove the car into… Eden Prime!

Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok shepard's name is SHEPRAD nut mary su OK! GARRUS IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Garrus!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Garrus didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Shepard?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Garrus leaned in extra-close and I looked into his turian blue eyes (he was wearing a visor) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and Archangel-ness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

And then Garrus popped some batteries into my X-box Remote, and we started playing Bioshock Infinite.  
"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was being shot by the bad guys. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was….Admiral Anderson!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a reper or a cerbus oprtiives! Da only reson Andresno swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 playing Biohckkkkkk! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXN7XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Anderson made Garrus and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.

I started to cry tears of water down my cybernetic face. Garrus comforted me. When we went back to the Comm room he took us to Admiral Hakett and The council who were both looking very angry.

"They were playing Bioshock in a Mass Effect universe!" he yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked the Salarian Councilor.

"How dare you?" demanded Adrmial Hackket.

And then Garrus shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"

Everyone was quiet. Anderson and the council still looked mad but Hackett said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."

Garrus and I left the Comm Room while the peoples glared at us.

"Are you okay, Shepard?" Garrus asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's room and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into my Alliance uniform When I came out….

Garrus was standing in front of the bathroom, and he had a bottle of wine. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We bumped heads and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

Chapter 6.

AN: shjt up rpeeersz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXN7XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The next day I woke up in my cabin. I Also yet again wore my suit of armor.

In the Mess Hall, I ate some food that James Vegeta made, and a glass of liqour. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the liqour spilled over the floor.

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the face of a man who was growing a beard. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko.

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Kaidan Alenko, although most people call me Corpral Alenko these days." he grumbled.

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I am corporal." he giggled.

"Well, I am a commander." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered.

"Yeah." I roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Garrus came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Spehard isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SULJOUR! n she has problemz shes rengade by da godeszs!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXN7XXXXXXXXXZXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Garrus and I held our hands and went into teh elevator. I was wearing a sexxah dress (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). I waved to Corproal Alenko. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Garrus. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Garrus. We went into my room and locked the door. Then…

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. W e played Gears ofd war 3. (c is dat stupid?)

"Oh Garrus, Garrus!" I screamed whileengaging in a chaniswa duekl when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Garrus's arm. It was a mariwwanna leef. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… SMOKE WEED E'RRY DAY!

I was so angry.

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Garrus pleaded. But I knew too much.

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have Scale Itch anyway!"

I put on my suit all huffily and then stomped out. Garrus ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in the crew quarters where he was talking to Jam Vegeta.

"KAIDAN ALENKO, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.

Chapter 8.

AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den ur a rapper!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXN7XXXXXXXXXXX

Everyone stared at me and then Garrus came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

"Shepard it's not what you think!" Garrus screamed sadly.

My friend Dr Liara T'soni smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her blue hair tentacles and opened her eyes again. She had she ha d blue skin and her mother Benezia was with saren but we killede thjem.

"Calm your tits, Commander!" Vegeta demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

"Kaidan, I can't believe you and Garrus got weed tatots!" I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped.

I don't know why Shepard was so mad at me. I had went out with Kaidan for a drink (I'm alocholsic and so is Shepeard)

"But We were dranks!" said Kaididolang.

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into Eden Prime where I had played Bioshock and then I started to bust into tears.

Chapter 9.

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da cmicz! dis is frum da geam ok so itz nut my folt if andresno swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson vegtae serves drnks now is coz hes spnaish! BIOWARE ROX!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXN7XXXXXXXXXXX

I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Garrus for teh atotoo of wees. I began to cry on Eden Prime where I played Bioshock with Grarus.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible creature with lobster legz and everything started flying towards me in the air! He had lobster legs (basically like Harbinger in the game) and he was coated in some armor but it was obvious he wasn't souljeur. It was… Harbinger!

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Harbinger shouted "Assuming direct control!" and I couldn't run away.

I used my biotic powers at him. Harbinger fell and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though he's a reapre so I stopped.

"Shepard." he yelled. "Thou must kill Corporal Alenko!"

I thought about Kaidan and his sexah eyes and his black hair and how his face looks just like a video game character. I remembered that Garrus had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Garrus and Kaidan were drunk?

"No, Harbinger!" I shouted back.

Harbinger gave me a gun. "No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Garuus!"

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Harbinger got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. "I hath thy internet." he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Kaidan, then thou know what will happen to Garrus!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily.

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Garrus came onto the Eden Prime.

"Garrus!" I said. "Hi!"

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you." I expelled.

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back onto the Sr-2 Normandy together playing Pokémon X on our Omnitools.


End file.
